Monday, April 30, 2012
Childlike
I never, ever, thought I had to stumble across the question: Head or Heart? Not because I had no conflict but because there was no question. I knew the answer. I thought I knew the answer. I used to read random blogs and scoff at them who even considered a question like this. Heart of course. (duh) Was there even competition? The heart would always win because I'd rather something I love for the rest of my life more than anything. I didn't want to be stuck in an office job that I'd hate after 5 years and groan about on Sundays. That was my reason.
But that was me as a 17 year-old. I really thought I had it all planned out perfectly. But what is perfect, really? Throughout high school, I never once thought I would want to do something else other than medicine. I never really worried, honestly. Even when Lynnette was struggling, it all seemed so distant to me, so detached. And I used to tell her, "Do what you want, of course." That was me. Young.
I really think age has started destroying my heart little by little. The head speaks logic, really. And logic is how many get by in life. Money, success, logic. Logic is simply, something that you cannot deny no matter how much you want to. The head asks, persuades, what is to your future then if you follow your heart? And I just cannot help it but to worry, to start taking responsibility over my parents and their future, my future family and their future. Age has made me reason. I think I finally understood during service today why God loves the little children so much. They are so simple, so full of love, passion, hope. Naive. And being naive in this case is nothing wrong that I wish I could be childlike again.
But even now, the heart still wins. By God's grace, it always will.
But that was me as a 17 year-old. I really thought I had it all planned out perfectly. But what is perfect, really? Throughout high school, I never once thought I would want to do something else other than medicine. I never really worried, honestly. Even when Lynnette was struggling, it all seemed so distant to me, so detached. And I used to tell her, "Do what you want, of course." That was me. Young.
I really think age has started destroying my heart little by little. The head speaks logic, really. And logic is how many get by in life. Money, success, logic. Logic is simply, something that you cannot deny no matter how much you want to. The head asks, persuades, what is to your future then if you follow your heart? And I just cannot help it but to worry, to start taking responsibility over my parents and their future, my future family and their future. Age has made me reason. I think I finally understood during service today why God loves the little children so much. They are so simple, so full of love, passion, hope. Naive. And being naive in this case is nothing wrong that I wish I could be childlike again.
But even now, the heart still wins. By God's grace, it always will.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Those Days..
Where I want to go on a nice holiday where it's cold (but not too cold because I just cannot take it) (like Cameron) so I can sit atop a hill to read.
Or to the beach! To play with sand all the day long and just bask in (just nice) sun.
Or maybe I just need to do something I love. Or/And get a new computer because this one has started to crash and the speakers are starting to die. Someone, get me a whole new set of computer!
Or to the beach! To play with sand all the day long and just bask in (just nice) sun.
Or maybe I just need to do something I love. Or/And get a new computer because this one has started to crash and the speakers are starting to die. Someone, get me a whole new set of computer!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Peace
They started one night - 29th December 2009. The dreams. I remember it so clearly as if etched in stone. It felt like a train had hit me and left me to wither on the tracks - and hit me hard, it did. I'd wake up in cold sweat with the memories of them fading in and out of my head like a dying melody and I'd be left to ponder if they were dreams or reality as it is. But then I see half a leg tangled among the sheets; a faithful evidence remains, a painful reminder that those were no mere dreams.
Every detail carved itself onto every part of my brain. Every single detail, I remember. The shrieks of children, the stones of buildings crumbling, bright fiery flame licking the night sky. They haunted me. Sometimes, I could call myself lucky when they came in short staccatos. Touching me shyly before withdrawing. Lucky. But they never never stopped coming. Sometimes, sometimes they change and I notice because I'd memorised it. But only in the slightest because it doesn't matter, no. I'd know what would come next. They all end in the same way. Flesh silenced by metal. It was a rerun of a bad movie I never want to lay eyes upon again.
I was plagued by terror, by fear like never before. Begs and pleas left unheard echoed in my head. Taunting me. They grasped me mercilessly and never showed signs of letting go. Never. It was a bad dream that I wanted to wake up from. Needed to wake up from. I wanted to chuck it away in the deepest recesses of a black hole.
For now I tell you, I've lived - if living is what you call this - in this grey twilight long enough. I couldn't reach far enough to catch reality in my hands nor was I swallowed whole by the past. Strapped down by the regrets of a yesterday and still lost in the hope of a tomorrow.
This is a story of a man who fought many wars and earned victories in them. A man who strived to find peace after. Today, I lay in my dying bed writing this to say I am sorry, I am truly truly sorry. I have finally found the peace I've searched for. I found Him. I found God. And I hope this peace will make its home in me because if it doesn't, I might weep more tears for the lost.
8th April 2012
Every detail carved itself onto every part of my brain. Every single detail, I remember. The shrieks of children, the stones of buildings crumbling, bright fiery flame licking the night sky. They haunted me. Sometimes, I could call myself lucky when they came in short staccatos. Touching me shyly before withdrawing. Lucky. But they never never stopped coming. Sometimes, sometimes they change and I notice because I'd memorised it. But only in the slightest because it doesn't matter, no. I'd know what would come next. They all end in the same way. Flesh silenced by metal. It was a rerun of a bad movie I never want to lay eyes upon again.
I was plagued by terror, by fear like never before. Begs and pleas left unheard echoed in my head. Taunting me. They grasped me mercilessly and never showed signs of letting go. Never. It was a bad dream that I wanted to wake up from. Needed to wake up from. I wanted to chuck it away in the deepest recesses of a black hole.
For now I tell you, I've lived - if living is what you call this - in this grey twilight long enough. I couldn't reach far enough to catch reality in my hands nor was I swallowed whole by the past. Strapped down by the regrets of a yesterday and still lost in the hope of a tomorrow.
This is a story of a man who fought many wars and earned victories in them. A man who strived to find peace after. Today, I lay in my dying bed writing this to say I am sorry, I am truly truly sorry. I have finally found the peace I've searched for. I found Him. I found God. And I hope this peace will make its home in me because if it doesn't, I might weep more tears for the lost.
8th April 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Cutie Pie
I AM A SAP. I AM A SAP. I AM A SAP.
hurhurrrrrr. I love you, you and your voice, you beautiful, adorable, small-eyed man!
hurhurrrrrr. I love you, you and your voice, you beautiful, adorable, small-eyed man!
He Makes No Mistake, I Am Not A Mistake
I think I've been getting by better these days. Everyday doesn't feel like a regret or a mistake anymore. It now feels safe and in simple terms, normal. Normal is what I long for now, not routined, not boring, just normal. Then again, I ask myself, am I really ready to leave normal behind? But let's leave that to God for now, He knows best.
I am glad that this Good Friday/Resurrection Sunday has finally come to a close. I kind of miss it honestly, it's been a part of me for a while; watching reruns of Jesus/Joseph falling over and over again, hearing my own song, getting sick of my own song(LOL), wanting to try Joylynn's song, getting scared under Ps. Joshua's close scrutiny, I do miss it all. Speaking of which, I can never comprehend how God is all-knowing. He knows what I really need and when I do need it and the play, was what I really needed. Thinking back when Sis. Kim actually approached me, I didn't want to do it what with my future crisis and my depressed state but of course, with her smiles, who would say no? Who COULD say no? Haha. But hey, turns out to be one of the greatest blessing in my life. It took me out of the path of self-destruction, pulled me back to God and put my focus back to whom it belongs to; God. And if any, He gave me confirmations. That my time will come.
I feel grateful for so much today! One being the many great people around me. Blessed Resurrection Day, everyone! I believe it's never too late because Jesus is alive everyday. I must not take life for granted again. Who dares to say everyday's a mistake when such a price has been paid for each day? Not me, :D
I am glad that this Good Friday/Resurrection Sunday has finally come to a close. I kind of miss it honestly, it's been a part of me for a while; watching reruns of Jesus/Joseph falling over and over again, hearing my own song, getting sick of my own song(LOL), wanting to try Joylynn's song, getting scared under Ps. Joshua's close scrutiny, I do miss it all. Speaking of which, I can never comprehend how God is all-knowing. He knows what I really need and when I do need it and the play, was what I really needed. Thinking back when Sis. Kim actually approached me, I didn't want to do it what with my future crisis and my depressed state but of course, with her smiles, who would say no? Who COULD say no? Haha. But hey, turns out to be one of the greatest blessing in my life. It took me out of the path of self-destruction, pulled me back to God and put my focus back to whom it belongs to; God. And if any, He gave me confirmations. That my time will come.
I feel grateful for so much today! One being the many great people around me. Blessed Resurrection Day, everyone! I believe it's never too late because Jesus is alive everyday. I must not take life for granted again. Who dares to say everyday's a mistake when such a price has been paid for each day? Not me, :D
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