I may not and may never be the leader who takes charge but I am really glad I can be the leader who people trust enough to lean on.

Your heart is not broken unless it breaks

"Jesus can heal the broken-hearted if you give Him the pieces."

And all this time, I thought I was heartbroken. I had felt a pang in my heart and it had hurt. So much that I tell my sister almost everyday, "my heart hurts." But now I know that the heart is deceitful and it listens to the world. A lie the world tells me- that I'm hurting.

Alice in Wonderland

 

Ola! So I've decided to start posting up pictures on this blog since 1) I HAVE SO MUCH TIME I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING 2) my sister always takes extra photos for me and they end up nowhere and that's a pity 3) why not. My ootd(s) usually come up on Sundays because that's the only time I go out- to church (guys I'm serious I have no life) and last Sunday I honestly thought I looked a la Alice in the Wonderland without trying to.

 

I just really wanted to try out the new babydoll dress I bought from Bangkok. Dirt cheap, people! The story was it was actually 250baht which is rm25 and since it was the last one I had to bargain ya know. So I said 200baht and the lady said no no and so I shifted to the man using every charm I could muster up and he said okay. Then, my mom bought a few denim from this man who couldn't even say to anything. If there's one thing I took back from the markets, the men are easier to bargain with. ;) And the stockings! They're also dirt cheap from Bugis in Singapore and I absolutely love them!

 

And no "shoot" is ever complete without a classic Lilian derp. :B

 

Dress from Bangkok, stockings from Singapore and shoes from Zara

Photos by iPhone 5 and my 14 year-old sister. :)

 

Fear of the unknown

Oh wow, how long has it been since I last blogged. Um. 6 months already! Honestly it doesn't feel that long ago since I finished A-levels. Maybe cos I really haven't been doing anything and time feels like it's crawling too slow and cruising too fast at the same time and you kinda lose track of it. It's scary. I quite feel like an unemployed bum trying to scrap the papers for some sort of vacancy not knowing what I'm actually looking for. Speaking of that though I am trying to look for some sort of internship for the time being.

In the past few months or so, things did happen even when I wasn't making anything happen. That's time for you, it doesn't wait. For one, one of my hamster died and to say I got emotional is the biggest understatement. I cried for a long time and begged God and just, I think this is the first time I've felt so hopeless in my life. It's so scary  knowing that something is slipping away and you can't have any control over it. Like watching an accident about to happen in slow motion. And at that moment, you- I realised how helpless we really are.

Two, my slipped disc came back again and this time around, I woke up one day not being to get out of bed. That feeling of helplessness, I felt it again the second time. I was so angry and frustrated, and to be honest at whom who knows. Three, I went to see One Republic even with my bad back. I just couldn't miss them not when I busted out an incredible 30-word essay and won those tickets. No way. So I insisted and I don't regret. Ryan Tedder is all kinds of amazing my heart just wanted to burst out crying. And that rejuvenating feeling I always get when people chase their dreams and everything about being in that concert solidified the "I want to sing for the rest of my life" in me. Exciting. Scary. I don't know what I'm scared of really but I never could take a step. I never know how to put my foot front and never know which step to take.

So what is exactly next? I don't know. For now, I'm still doing my research or TRYING TO REALLY SOBS but my crazy mind always manages to take over and when I start to overanalyse, I just stop in the middle and honestly, I'm close to going nowhere. In the past few months, I feel like I've made bad decisions after bad decisions and I'm afraid to make another one. Afraid that this will be a make or break, set my future into stone. And in all that I know, it shouldn't, wouldn't ever be like this. I know somewhere in the back of my head I know I can never make a "right" one for the simple fact that there isn't a right one. But it's easier to tell myself because every time I look back to regret and try to figure out what went wrong. Everything I need is reassurance. Now I'm trying all I can to stop the panic rising in me, this claustrophobia of time.

Tired

This final exam is seriously taking a toll on me.

Happy birthday love.

Weddings

Everyone knows I love weddings. I love love. And I love being part of it, everything. And to have very few relatives and they're either married way before or they're not going to anytime soon, it makes me sad. So to be invited to Jeff and Grace's, YES. And to be asked to sing for them, happy beyond words. This made me so happy today. Just yes yes yes. How long has it been that I can finally look forward to something.

People hear but they can't listen

How do I tell people that I'm lonely even when I'm not alone? That I'm breaking surely from the inside and everything's going to show, that I've become self centred for once and I don't care about people anymore, I don't want to keep them. That I don't know how much longer I can live like this, waiting but I don't know what I'm waiting for and I'm scared, angry because I can't convince myself anymore. I can't.

Monochrome monologues

Funny how I am a girl of words who can work, play around them rather easy but fail to verse them. Immensely frustrating. Back to my solitude ball of monologue, I go.

And Why Should They

I feel like I'm wasting my supposedly glorious teenage years by moping and crying and just TRYING to get through one day. I wish I'm pass the stage where things that shouldn't matter don't matter anymore.

For Daniel

I haven't been praying much as of late but today, I pray that the world would be less cruel. That one chance will not be all anyone can, will, give. For the people who feel that they have no hope left and no choices to make, forced into a dead end, God please please reveal Yourself. For mistakes, forgiveness, second chances. And for the life of humanity.

For the people who are struggling,
You are not losing.

Claustrophobic

Everybody is out to get me.

New Companions

Guys, guys, GUYS, may I present to you the two new addition to the Tang family! My little adorable boonies, Tong Ku (mushroom in Chinese) (my rents call it Tungki, Tungu, whatever really) and Dino (again, Dungu, Dongu). You probably can't see their coats but one's caramel and the other's white, both with a dark grey stripe down their backs. They are too cute, I literally sat with them for half an hour and shot them. :) My new companions, they are, so I don't feel too lonely.

Finishing In 5 Months!

Asked Him for peace and that's exactly what I got.
(except for that idiotic driver in the morning and my period. ;( )

Sometimes what you get is not what you want;
What you want is not what you get;
Neither is what you want, what you need.

#Me

Where

When I come home every day after I've gone to school, after I worry about homework, after I've taken my nap, after I've taken my meals, I curl up in bed at night and think What now? and feel a lot empty and lonely inside.

But it isn't supposed to be like this. God isn't supposed to be like this.

I Don't Know If

I think I'm slowly becoming one of those people who despises - maybe despise is too strong of a word - human contact or in fact, any kind of human interaction for that matter. Don't feel like small talks or even the effort of making them, don't really want to know how one's day went, don't feel like giving responses to any sort of questions and anytime I do go out, I just feel like going back home.

I'd rather now stay in bed all day long, read things and scroll through tumblr, stay in my virtual reality, play a little tetris like a programmed machine, listen to the same things on a small repeat loop, find things to do on the iPod, anything and sometimes I get a little desperate whilst so.

And the scariest and truest part, is that I'm okay with this.

Also, my sleeping problem is back.

Which is usually resolved if I tire my eyes on my iPod in the dark and only then, I fall asleep.

Raw



Bucket list: Nell live.

Week 2

Hi.

• Sleeping well
• Eating well
• School's pretty ok too, been doing my homework and paying attention
• Not crying too much because yeah, I realise it is not that normal
• Started to pray more before I sleep because it feels good to sleep then and feels even better when I wake up

Only disappointment being myself, God (maybe) and my frustrating crashing iPod.

Small Packaging

Just took a shower, now sitting back on my huge comfy green chair, scrolling throught the net, reading stuffs/nonsense, no excessive thinking and having my first listen on Last Dinosaurs (not completely my taste but calming per se. Just finished Imagine Dragons, I quite like them more my kind of music given, they're probably cultish and all but then again I don't take meanings to the literal if I don't want to. I believe in what I believe). Just thought I'd pen this down, it has been a very good day today.

Project o1: Love is Here

For now, I thought I needed to document my first.



For Aaron & Brenda, because you are never fatherless.

Origins

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay

Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising

Not my favourite voice, don't even fancy her too much.
But she's right, the message at the end is right too.

*Also, this is definitely on my bucket list. :)))

||

You never enjoy your life
Livin' inside the box
You're so afraid of taking chances
How are you going to reach the top?

Rules and regulations
Force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation
It's time for you to seize the day

Instead of just sitting around
And looking down on tomorrow
You gotta get your feet off the ground
The time is now

Try to have no regrets
Even if it's just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead
If you keep living blind

Stuck in the same position
You deserve so much more
There's a whole world around us
Just waiting to be explored

- Greyson Chance's Waiting Outside The Lines

Again, not my favourite anything BUT people may hate but not everyone has courage. And the lyrics here is like a message (to me) just waiting to be preached. Really funny how all the music I listened today (from the TV no less!) are quite inspiring.

||

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try

- Pink's Try

Always liked Pink, always. She can be a lot of things, punk, rebel, (more than slightly) crazy, but she's strong. And when she does it, man it's the real deal. And I do believe she's pounding this right down my ears.

||

Also, found this on Youtube, comments section on Goo Goo Dolls' Iris.

"Guys, I'm just another face in the crowd. But it you're reading this, know there's someone out there for you. Whenever you're sad, you listen to songs like these. So do I. :) I don't know any of you. But do me a favor, NEVER give up on life."
 

It's nice to know people do care.
Thanks stranger. You just saved a life.

White Night

what do you do
when the nights are too long
and you can't sleep at all
but find slight comfort in the day
then, let sleep overtake

Tell Me Your Favourite Pastime

Tell me your favourite pastime
And maybe I'll tell you mine


What is your most favourite thing to do?
Laying in bed all day, reading.