Alice in Wonderland

 

Ola! So I've decided to start posting up pictures on this blog since 1) I HAVE SO MUCH TIME I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING 2) my sister always takes extra photos for me and they end up nowhere and that's a pity 3) why not. My ootd(s) usually come up on Sundays because that's the only time I go out- to church (guys I'm serious I have no life) and last Sunday I honestly thought I looked a la Alice in the Wonderland without trying to.

 

I just really wanted to try out the new babydoll dress I bought from Bangkok. Dirt cheap, people! The story was it was actually 250baht which is rm25 and since it was the last one I had to bargain ya know. So I said 200baht and the lady said no no and so I shifted to the man using every charm I could muster up and he said okay. Then, my mom bought a few denim from this man who couldn't even say to anything. If there's one thing I took back from the markets, the men are easier to bargain with. ;) And the stockings! They're also dirt cheap from Bugis in Singapore and I absolutely love them!

 

And no "shoot" is ever complete without a classic Lilian derp. :B

 

Dress from Bangkok, stockings from Singapore and shoes from Zara

Photos by iPhone 5 and my 14 year-old sister. :)

 

Fear of the unknown

Oh wow, how long has it been since I last blogged. Um. 6 months already! Honestly it doesn't feel that long ago since I finished A-levels. Maybe cos I really haven't been doing anything and time feels like it's crawling too slow and cruising too fast at the same time and you kinda lose track of it. It's scary. I quite feel like an unemployed bum trying to scrap the papers for some sort of vacancy not knowing what I'm actually looking for. Speaking of that though I am trying to look for some sort of internship for the time being.

In the past few months or so, things did happen even when I wasn't making anything happen. That's time for you, it doesn't wait. For one, one of my hamster died and to say I got emotional is the biggest understatement. I cried for a long time and begged God and just, I think this is the first time I've felt so hopeless in my life. It's so scary  knowing that something is slipping away and you can't have any control over it. Like watching an accident about to happen in slow motion. And at that moment, you- I realised how helpless we really are.

Two, my slipped disc came back again and this time around, I woke up one day not being to get out of bed. That feeling of helplessness, I felt it again the second time. I was so angry and frustrated, and to be honest at whom who knows. Three, I went to see One Republic even with my bad back. I just couldn't miss them not when I busted out an incredible 30-word essay and won those tickets. No way. So I insisted and I don't regret. Ryan Tedder is all kinds of amazing my heart just wanted to burst out crying. And that rejuvenating feeling I always get when people chase their dreams and everything about being in that concert solidified the "I want to sing for the rest of my life" in me. Exciting. Scary. I don't know what I'm scared of really but I never could take a step. I never know how to put my foot front and never know which step to take.

So what is exactly next? I don't know. For now, I'm still doing my research or TRYING TO REALLY SOBS but my crazy mind always manages to take over and when I start to overanalyse, I just stop in the middle and honestly, I'm close to going nowhere. In the past few months, I feel like I've made bad decisions after bad decisions and I'm afraid to make another one. Afraid that this will be a make or break, set my future into stone. And in all that I know, it shouldn't, wouldn't ever be like this. I know somewhere in the back of my head I know I can never make a "right" one for the simple fact that there isn't a right one. But it's easier to tell myself because every time I look back to regret and try to figure out what went wrong. Everything I need is reassurance. Now I'm trying all I can to stop the panic rising in me, this claustrophobia of time.